BEFORE YOU COLLECT THE RING

JUST BEFORE YOU COLLECT THE RING!

 “We broke up” Helen’s face fell as she painfully let those three words out. I pulled her closely and hugged her. Should I console or congratulate her? What a dilemma!

I will console her, then congratulate her later on, I decided.  Let’s not even lie, that relationship seemed toxic. I will console her because letting go of her four years (which also translates to 1,460 days) relationship was no joke and indeed a hard thing to overcome. But with the knowledge of why they broke up, I really wanted to congratulate my friend. 

Helen and I had been childhood friends who got lucky enough to have gained admission together into the higher institution. She got her dream course which was Biochemistry, while I wanted to study law, but got Mass Communication. Well I didn’t mind. It was a great turnaround for me in the end. 

Before we gained admission, we had an agreement not to have boyfriends for the first three years of our lives at the University, until Jude showed up towards the beginning of our second year in school. Although I had other friends in school, the house became lonelier for me each time I got home, maybe it wouldn’t have felt so if I also had a boyfriend. They were always together and sometimes, she did not sleep at home. 

If you got a best friend who suddenly got into a relationship, you’d understand the gap that could create between the both of you. But this isn’t about me, let’s focus on Helen. 

Helen had met Jude through me. I made a post of us on my WhatsApp status and boom, Jude made advances in my DM, lobbying for her number. So yeah, it’s safe to say I was their connect. I was happy for her and simply wanted to see her thrive.

Over the years, I felt like I had lost my friend.  One of the toughest parts of being her roommate was those occasions where she sobbed quietly on the bed after a heated argument with her boyfriend. 

“What’s wrong babe?” I’d ask. “I’m fine, I got this”, Helen would always respond. 

“It’s not in my place to advise her, I feel she is old enough to decide what she wants”. This, I always said to myself when I was fed up with her putting up with a relationship that wasn’t making her happy. And everytime I tried to give her a hint, it always felt like I didn’t want her happiness. I mean, Jude was my course mate, and I see all his moves at the department. So, I just decided to encourage her all the way and told her to do what made her happy. Do you think I made a good choice?

This relationship obviously didn’t make her happy but she loved him so much. I could see it in her warm smile when she spoke about him, I saw it in the way she’d jump off when he called her to say he was parked outside our hostel, how she’d wash her face and hurriedly ransack her wardrobe for something simple, yet classy. This always left me feeling ‘God when’. 

Let’s not lie, Jude was a fresh guy, and every lady’s ‘Hot cake’. Hardly would Jude walk past the hallway without making heads turn. The guys were busy checking out his sense of fashion while the girls loved the fact that he was tall, hairy, and you know, he just had all the swag. He was that quiet, yet popular guy in our department. 

Each time I asked Jude why he somewhat flirted with other girls, he’d simply try to assure me, and sometimes, I was indirectly told to butt out of his relationship. What can I say? Sighs 😪.

Four years later, their relationship pushed through and I was genuinely happy for them. Although, I was still scared for my friend. 

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It was our final year dinner. Helen's red dinner gown was a killer; I mean, my baby girl ate the look. She was going to be Jude’s date but the weird thing was that Helen seemed to be lost. She had little or no information about the dinner, but remember, I had decided to mind my business a long time ago. Parties were really not my thing, and the final year dinner was not going to make me change my mind.  I simply assisted Helen with her glam and gave her all the ginger she needed for the party.

She wanted to surprise him. The whole thing seemed suspicious. He did not even invite her, yet she claimed she wanted it to be a surprise. Seriously? Are you thinking what I also thought? I felt bad because I was thinking too much in the negative. As much as I wanted her to thrive, I also wanted her to thread carefully. ‘My ride's here’ . Helen said, giggling like a teenager who just fell in love, entering her uber off to meet the love of her life.

I jerked off my bed upon realising that I had dozed off.  Helen promised to send me pictures and I was supposed to join the IG live stream. Oh my goodness! The blaring sound of Whatsapp messages was legit calling my name immediately I accessed the internet.

Jude, bad guy!

The perfect couple!

Awwwww, they look so good together!

My crush has proposed to another!

I thought he was with one Helen…

Trails of messages like these and more flooded our Whatsapp group chat. Jude proposed to a girl, and that girl was not my Helen. Worst part was his audacity to do it in her presence.

I stood at the gate for hours, waiting for my friend. She wasn’t picking up her phone, but she promised to come home when i called her immediately i saw those messages.

Finally she was here. She walked like a cat beaten by the rain. I ran down to her and she grabbed me with the crumbs of strength left in her.

“We broke up” Helen’s face fell as she finally let those three words out. I pulled her close and hugged her. I was stuck in between consoling or congratulating her.

“I will console her, then congratulate her later on,” I decided. 

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Some girls be like… ‘I want gold’, some prefer silver and while some prefer platinum… Some prefer black with a sprinkle of diamond stones. I like all of them sha 😂. And for some best in vivid imagination ladies, we have even pictured how the whole proposal would go. On a much lighter note, if men knew how much a proposal means to us ladies, they would actually put in more effort to make it a bliss.

Honestly, it’s a beautiful thing to be proposed to, especially when you are so sure of the YES you are giving this man. I mean, i have witnessed some proposals and trust me, i was there to do all the awwn awwn.

But seriously, proposals are so rampant these days and I’m like, ‘justice for the singles, let them breathe!!! Accepting the ring signifies the start of another generation, it’s the first step to beginning a fresh generation for Jesus. Therefore, there are some things to consider just before accepting that ring.

If these things are not checked before saying your second yes (first yes was when you accepted to be in the relationship and the third will definitely be on your wedding day), that they might pose huge challenges and you’d end up fighting them at the early stage of your marriage, depending on how much you and your husband are able to build synergy.

When a woman completes her University education, and is serving or has served, the society expects her to collect the ring. In October 2021, when I graduated from the university, every congratulations came with “so when are we meeting the brother?” like a souvenir. They were simply on their own sha, I had a different plan for my life, in alignment with Yahweh. 

Just like Helen, some of us are currently in a toxic relationship and we cannot confront that feeling of fear and doubt because you are too afraid to start again, because all your friends are either married or in a serious relationship and you really do not want to be left out. Let’s not forget that there could be first to start but no first to finish. It’s not a race in the end. 

A lot of ladies have been blindfolded into collecting the ring therefore, the HolySPirit has put this piece together for us..

First of all, you MUST understand that our Heavenly Father, I AM, wants a perfect marriage for You, His Child. So before giving your highly esteemed and precious YES to that brother, I'd like to open your eyes or remind you of what you already likely are aware of. 

• FIND YOUR PURPOSE 

Every child of God has a purpose in HIM. It is unrealistic to think of becoming ONE with another person when you have not firstly known yourself. 

For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God. 

God created you for a purpose and generations are waiting for you so that they can be liberated. When you walk in this purposeful path, God then brings His son who fits in, so that you both can advance the Kingdom just like He told Adam and Eve; Increase and Multiply. Any relationship that doesn’t reflect this, please check it without prejudice.

• DO YOU HAVE A SECRET PLACE?

  
  

If there’s any prayer warrior I know, it’s my mom. Growing up, I watched my mother pray tirelessly. The height of it was when I came out to pee one night as a twelve year old, and I spotted her whipping the air with this thing the yorubas call pankere.

Some of us find it hard to wake up at 5 am or 6 am for prayers. Some of us do not even hear God. And for some, Amapiano is the first song that comes to mind when they wake. Seriously sis, are you really ready? When there’s chaos, how do you go down on your knees to Yahweh? Wait, how do you even get confirmation about your partner and so my other life-long decisions, when you have no altar? 

Your secret place is like a well of water, you must draw from it everyday for sustenance throughout your lifetime.

• Be Financially Ready 

  
  

While we all want to be with an Odogwu, ensure that you are also a lowkey Odogwuress. Don’t fall into the category of people who are still paying for the wedding hall and gown, a year after their marriage. 

This is in no way to say you should settle for less. When I was praying for a partner, I wrote down the things I wanted. Immediately after writing them down, the HolySpirit came for me. He simply asked if I possessed the qualities I had outlined and then, Bro Benard happened to me. I realised i didn’t have some of them. He had told me to work these things in myself, while i waited to be found by the brother.  I didn't just wait to be found, I prayed while at it. Personally, while I want to be spoiled, I also want to be able to spoil someone’s son. 

You don’t want to be that woman who would call her man to do a transfer because there is no pepper at home.  You should be able to cater for some things to a good extent. Aim to build financial synergy and wealth with your partner.  

How do you know he’s the one?

This question has created a lot of confusion. I have been in this shoe too. But these three things are relatively dominant;

• You feel so at Peace.

• Your confirmations are backed up by scriptures. 

• It just becomes clearer as you journey, depending on how God Speaks to you. This is the time where the investments in your secret place reflect. 

  
  

Then there is one question I'd always ask myself; would I like to replicate a son like him? Some of us are blinded by physical appearance and money in the Bank. 

Please take your time to reflect on these things. If you are still waiting, fine. God still has sons and His will will be perfected in your life.

As we round off, I must emphasise that being proposed to is absolutely beautiful, but can be more beautiful when certain things are in order. Don’t be pressured into settling for less because everyone is being proposed to. BEFORE YOU COLLECT THE RING, Take your time, be led by God.

I hope you were blessed by this? Please share to as many that need to read this and drop me a comment here on this post😉.

Sincerely,

Esther Marcus

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